Comfort

I started a wonderful day off today by waking up with the sun streaming through my window, and not to an alarm clock. After a brekky of cheerios (which really don't taste the same at all) I jumped on a tram to St. Kilda beach. It's not at all far from the city, and is a funky little beach area that's in a state of revival after being taken over by prostitutes and heroin addicts. Don't worry, it's quite tame and enjoyable to visit during the daylight hours!

With my trusty map (which still didn't keep me from getting quite lost) I wandered around shops and cafes until I made my way to Port Phillip Bay and my first view of the bay since arriving in Melbourne. It was so good to have the salty wind blowing in my hair, sand between my toes and the sun warming my shoulders. The smell of dead fish somewhat took away from the experience, but you can't have it all.

After walking for what seemed miles along the beach, my stomach started to complain that it was hungry, so I decided to venture up some of the roads and find a little cafe. That's when I became good and lost, although I didn't really mind too much. I spent so much time wandering among tiny residential streets marveling at the exquisite architecture and beautiful gardens that greeted me. Eventually I spotted civilization (in the form of cafes) in the distance, and quickly located a take away sushi restaurant. Unbothered by seagulls I enjoyed my cheap and delicious sushi rolls, and then stopped at an European bakery to get a baclava, which I savoured on a bench in the botanical gardens.

As I rode on the tram back into the city, I was amazed at all of the uniquely Australian things that I have so quickly become accustomed to. I am now a confident tram rider, and the electric flash from the overhead lines no longer causes me alarm. As I pass yutes along the roadways, their odd shape doesn't even bring me to turn my head. I have a little less fear of getting hit by a car, as I've learned to always look the proper way before crossing the street, and I no longer think that a child is driving when a car passes by. Roundabouts are easy to navigate, and I've learned the proper way to walk on wet cobblestones so as not to twist my ankle.

There is still so much that I am awed by, including my walk to work. Crossing over the Yarra with the glittering lights of the city skyline is never a tiring sight. There are an endless number of flora and fauna that is completely new to me, and leads to many photographs.

It's so comforting to feel this familiarty and level of contentment, yet I love that so much still creates excitement. There are still so many new experiences I have to discover, and now I'm so happy with where I am, I can truly enjoy them.

Happier thoughts

After reading all of my previous posts, I'm starting to see a somewhat disturbing and distressing theme. Although there are moments of happiness and humour, the entire thing seems to be punctuated by an underlying sense of depression. Well, here's a change to all of that boring sadness, because I am starting to have the adventures and the enjoyable moments that I came down under to experience.
Now it seems that Australia does not participate in the wonderful North American tradition of Thanksgiving, but us canucks weren't perturbed and created our own version complete with stuffing, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie - chicken gladly took the place of turkey. It was everything Thanksgiving should be - good food, good wine and wonderful company with lots of fun conversation. A wonderful evening to enjoy the memory of for years to come.

I am now spending most of my evenings working as a hostess for a very popular restaurant on Southbank - an amazing little area on the banks of the Yarra River in the city. Although I have had times where I felt like walking out, didn't want to go to work and just wanted to quit, I am finally feeling like I fit in a bit and those distressed feelings are disappearing. I am making friends, and actually learning what I'm doing, which makes life much easier.

I have had a very exciting interview with a magazine in Sydney to work for them as a journalist. As much as I love the idea of getting back into my chosen field, I really love it in Melbourne, where I have friends and have developed a comfort zone. I will hear about the magazine's decision later this week, but it is just uplifting to know that within a month of arriving here I already have these opportunities presenting themselves.

This week I hope to fill my days with lots of fun with friends and more exciting new adventures.

The tough stuff

It seems I've finally come to the next stage of my trip down under. All the questions and self reflection have taken over, and seem to be all that I can think of. I'm not going to lie and say that I welcome it, because this is one of the toughest things that I've pushed myself to do. Looking into the choices that I've made, the pain I've been through and how I can live better and happier in the future.

Special

My new job starts in half an hour. It's my first real day, yet I'm finding it so hard to drag myself out of this apartment and go. It's not a horrible job, I can do it fine, yet I just don't want to go. I'm finding more and more often that I just don't know what I want anymore - if I ever did. I wanted to be happy and be special. Growing up so many people told me how special I was, but I never felt I deserved it. What did I really have to show for it? Every man I've ever loved has left me... that doesn't make me feel special. It makes me question who I am. Makes me wonder if there is anything wrong with me. I'm not happy... that's something wrong. And I don't want to go to work, a job that I'm lucky to have. Why? Because I might screw up? Because I might feel overwhelmed? Because I might not be perfect? Hiding is so much easier. Pushing people away is so much easier then one day having them leave and the facing the realization that they really didn't think you were all that special.

As the city thrives

Here I sit in the dark in my little studio apartment on a beautiful Friday night in Melbourne. Dark due to the fact that I am a penniless traveler who is too cheap to use more electricity than I feel I need. The streetlight (one of what seems to be only a few in this city) is doing a wonderful job of streaming through the window - mood lighting perhaps?
Now why is it that I am sitting in here, and not out partying? It could be because spending any money at this point seems foolish until I get my first paycheck from my job that starts on Monday. It could also be due to this deep fear I have when I let myself think of being alone. Here. On the other side of the world.

Oh, I've been alone in places many times before, but it always just seemed like a visit, and try as hard as I can, being here doesn't seem temporary like that. I have tried to wrap my head around the fact that I will probably only be here for a year - possibly less if my mini-meltdowns continue. Yet, I still find this place so permanent, find myself becoming rooted and comfortable. Therefore, going out on my own, even to a backpackers bar where I'm sure to make lots of friends, just doesn't seem right when I already feel like this is my home.

Yesterday I spent the day touring around the city in an attempt to see as much as I could and be the ultimate tourist. Yet even with camera in hand, and map safely tucked in my purse, I still felt something familiar about these places I was only laying eyes on for the first time.

So now I'm torn. If I give in to this feeling of being at home, will it only end in heartbreak when a year from now my visa ends and I'm forced to leave? Will I give myself the time and opportunity to be a tourist and see all of the touristy sights that have inspired me about Australia? Yet, if I pull away from it. If I think about all of this as temporary, will I be happy here, or always wondering and pulling away from that comfortable feeling?

These are the thoughts that continually flit across my mind, intermingling with images of St. Paul's Cathedral, Chinatown, the Princess Theater and all of the very Melbourne sights I took in yesterday. It's been less than three weeks here, and I know that I'm speeding through this journey by asking these questions. But isn't my ultimate goal on this journey to find out where it is I belong and who I am and where I fit into this whole grand scheme? What if I've found it?

So many thoughts

It seems every time that I sit down and think about writing about all of the experiences that I'm having, I come to a complete road block. Where do I start when everyday is so incredibly full of ups and downs? So I just keep putting it off, and now I feel that if I don't start recording all of these details they will quickly disappear from my very full mind.

I think that the biggest thing that has struck me since being in Australia, is how incredibly helpful everyone has been. So many have completely gone out of their way (such as the woman who drove me across town because I was lost) to help me, and if they can't they have been so apologetic. It truly makes me feel a little less lost to know that I can talk to anyone anywhere and find help.

As for all of my experiences down here (not counting the crazy personal issues I've been dealing with) I've had a lot of really enjoyable ones. Getting to experience two AFL Grand Finals was a definite highlight. Watching the first match come to a draw, and then getting to see Collingwood (my team!) win the next week brought out a sporty side of me that has long been dormant.

I've been able to see so much of the area surrounding Melbourne... the outer suburbs, which really take my breath away and remind me why it is I came here and have unearthed a deep love for this country. The Yarra Valley is absolutely stunning, even if it is only early spring. A drive through also led me to see my first kangaroo and wallaby (although both were sadly upside down on the side of the road). It was still very exciting, and I made my tour guide drive past the poor kangaroo a couple of times just so I could see that they were really real! Luckily I have yet to experience any of those dreaded poisonous creatures that Australia is so known for.

In between times searching for an apartment and a job (both of which I thankfully have only two weeks after arriving here!) I have taken the time to walk around Melbourne and get to know the trams and the trains and all of the craziness and beauty that is the city. Southbank really is a spectacular place... so calm and relaxing during the day, and erupts with a vibrant nightlife once the sun goes down.

There is so much that I want to see and experience here... and of course I have only been traveling for two weeks now, so it will all come with time. I still have yet to visit the beach (although that is in a great part due to the fact that it has only been the past weekend that temperatures got above 20).

Hopefully my next post will not be so long in the making, and I'll be able to share a bunch of new, very Australian experiences.

Grey

You couldn't have a more perfect pathetic fallacy then today - or such a stark comtrast compared to yesterday.
The sun was shining, it was warm and I was happy. I could barely keep the smile off my face as I enjoyed being a passenger driving through the Yarra Valley. Gorgeous sights and a gorgeous mood (punctuated by small moments of terror when I thought the car was going to careen into a fiery crash) filled my day, and I really felt like I belonged in this crazy country.
Today I sit alone in my dorm room and stare out my window, listening to the noise of street traffic instead of birds, and watching the wind whip the rain every which way, soaking any unlucky pedestrian. Really, it's hard to feel good about being here at moments like this, when I'm struck by such a deep loneliness.
Despite my mood and the weather it's been a good day though. I have a job interview in an hour and a half (which I have to walk to). I'm so thankful for that (the interview, not the walking part), but my nerves are absolutely through the roof. Then I'm off to inspect a room to possibly move into... no more hostel for me! Everything seems to be falling into place for the working and traveling part of this holiday. But I'm still in the dark about the "finding me" part of it all. I feel like I'm on some roller coaster, and everything is flying by so fast that even though I'm experiencing so much, I can't really grasp any of it.
Why does everything get so muddled up in my mind? I feel like I'm caught between the two different parts of me, and I'm trying to figure out what the whole is... the happy middle part.
I know that I will find it; I probably have one of the best support networks to help me get there. Yet I wonder what it will look like when I arrive - what will I look like? And I wonder who will be there to share it with me, because right now that is one of the most uncertain parts of my life.

Here

As I sit here in southern cross station sipping my chai latte and trying to keep warm, I can't believe I'm actually here. It has been an eventful week, and I'm sorry I can't fill this post up, but I'm on a limited Internet supply. There is so much here that I find beautiful And love, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not terrified and homesick and unsure of myself. I really want to just feel taken care of and that isn't happening when I'm alone on the other side of the world. Well I'm almost out of time so I will be posting again soon, and to everyone back home... I miss you!

I can fly

First day of travel complete! And a wonderful comfy bed that feels so incredible right now. Today everything went so well, if you don't count the incredibly sick girl on the plane in front of me - glad I took Vitamin C. Security at Pearson was so simple, I even had to go through secondary security, but didn't slow me down at all, and everyone was super nice. I learned a valuable lesson that being one of the last to board a flight definitely has it's perks. I was supposed to sit in a full row, but the row in front was completely empty. I just moved up and had a whole three seats all to myself!

I can't get over how beautiful it was flying into LA. I tried to get some photos, but I just couldn't capture the beauty of the sun setting on the fog shrouded mountains.

I think the only unpleasant experience I had was trying to contact the hotel for a shuttle pick up... but everything worked out in the end, and I'm currently enjoying Tomb Raider in my massive suite and fluffy bed.

There was only one moment that almost had me in tears. Standing alone waiting for security, just after saying goodbye to Mum and Dad. I'm going to miss them - thank God for Skype!

Plan for tonight is to enjoy a good sleep, a big breakfast in the morning and then a workout before the long haul.

Final Days

My last day in Ontario today! These last few months have really flown by, and have been so full of excitement and learning and new experiences, and now I get to have a whole bunch of new ones in Australia.

This past week was definitely bitter sweet. Celebrating birthdays in London with some of my best friends, visiting the house I grew up in, and lots of goodbyes. After all of the sleepless nights, and days spent worrying, everything has fallen into place and I can look forward to this crazy adventure I'm going on.

So long Canada.... hello Australia!

Moving forward

What an amazing last few days. Today I made my final decision on Australia, and passed the point of no return - and I really feel great about it! Now, to explain how I finally was able to take the plunge, I have to go back a few days.

Late last week I was checking my emails and skulking around on Facebook, pretty much feeling sorry for myself, when I noticed a message from Heather. I didn't even take the time to fully read it before I was bounding into the living room full of excitement about going over again. That night was another bad night. I felt like I had truly screwed up so much in my life, and that I was incapable of making any good choices, but then, again, in the morning I went back to that message. This time I really read it, and have now probably read it at least five times, because there was support and understanding that ignited my desire to try and live out my dreams.

It wasn't like it all fell into place that instant. I still spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and unsure about whether I was making the right choice. On Monday I left with my Mum to go to the CNE; an event I had never been to and had always wanted to see. After two hours in an unairconditioned car, engrossing myself in a mystery novel so that I wouldn't have time to think, we made it to my uncle's place near Toronto.

I have to admit that I wasn't sure how I would be at the Ex. Would I be able to enjoy myself? Would I have fun? Would I be able to keep my frustration levels (which seem to skyrocket over the smallest things) in check? Turns out the answer was yes, and not only that, but for the first time in months now I really felt like myself again and that everything was going to be okay. It was only fleeting, but it was there and it gave me hope again. Freezing my ass off in a darkened ice rink I was mesmerized as skaters (including Olympian Vaughn Chipeur) danced to rock music. All I could think was "I can be happy again, I can get through all of this and be better." It felt great!

So slowly but surely my confidence levels are creeping back up, and a smile is staying on my face a lot more often than the tears that once moistened my cheeks. And because of all that, a bunch of little moments, today I made my choice to just go for it and not look back. My flight to LA is booked and my car is sold! So watch out Australia, because September 21st I will be there, and I plan to really enjoy myself!

Tears

I don't know why I allow myself to go backwards, when I'm trying so hard to be happy again. One hour in my life seems to change everything, and I'm lost in a mess of tears again. As I'm writing this I'm listening to "When I'm Alone" by Nevertheless. I don't know if I can find comfort in the fact that so many people have felt, and do feel, the way I do that songs are written about it. Up until today I don't think I ever really gave up hoping that love could be enough. I wasn't able to accept that even though my love still burns as strong as when I first felt it, that his is completely gone. So now I'm left alone, with no hope and no love and a broken heart.

I want to enjoy myself in Australia. I want to figure out who I am when I'm alone. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm so lost and don't know what to do anymore. The person who I really want to be there while I grow and learn and rediscover my inner strength has deserted me... left me without so much as a caring word or a tear. How can I believe in true love? How can I believe what someone says when it's so changeable? I'm relying on so many people, and although I know that some will never let me fall, I have had so many contrary experiences that I don't know if I can ever trust in love again.

So here I sit, tears trailing down my cheeks and in a pool of confusion, when all I want is love.

So many unknowns...

I've spent the last few days trying to figure out exactly what I want to do when I'm in Australia. I have so many ideas, and so many dreams, but it all seems to have been turned upside down in the last month. It has definitely been a challenge to try and get back to the excitement I had a year ago, and the independence I felt.

It seems somewhat ironic that the "Eat, Pray, Love" movie just came out in theatres. I feel like I'm taking the same type of journey. After losing myself in love, and then losing that love, I need to find the things that I care about again, and that make me happy. Who knows if I'll be able to find myself again in Australia, but I'm sure I can learn to be happy and independent again.

Less than a month!

Well there's less than a month left until I'm on a plane for 15 hours! I can't believe how much there is to do before going. Selling my car, insurance issues, packing, finding a job, packing... It's all a bit overwhelming really; however, I'm keeping from losing my mind with the help of friends and family and am so excited to see this amazing country!