As the city thrives

Here I sit in the dark in my little studio apartment on a beautiful Friday night in Melbourne. Dark due to the fact that I am a penniless traveler who is too cheap to use more electricity than I feel I need. The streetlight (one of what seems to be only a few in this city) is doing a wonderful job of streaming through the window - mood lighting perhaps?
Now why is it that I am sitting in here, and not out partying? It could be because spending any money at this point seems foolish until I get my first paycheck from my job that starts on Monday. It could also be due to this deep fear I have when I let myself think of being alone. Here. On the other side of the world.

Oh, I've been alone in places many times before, but it always just seemed like a visit, and try as hard as I can, being here doesn't seem temporary like that. I have tried to wrap my head around the fact that I will probably only be here for a year - possibly less if my mini-meltdowns continue. Yet, I still find this place so permanent, find myself becoming rooted and comfortable. Therefore, going out on my own, even to a backpackers bar where I'm sure to make lots of friends, just doesn't seem right when I already feel like this is my home.

Yesterday I spent the day touring around the city in an attempt to see as much as I could and be the ultimate tourist. Yet even with camera in hand, and map safely tucked in my purse, I still felt something familiar about these places I was only laying eyes on for the first time.

So now I'm torn. If I give in to this feeling of being at home, will it only end in heartbreak when a year from now my visa ends and I'm forced to leave? Will I give myself the time and opportunity to be a tourist and see all of the touristy sights that have inspired me about Australia? Yet, if I pull away from it. If I think about all of this as temporary, will I be happy here, or always wondering and pulling away from that comfortable feeling?

These are the thoughts that continually flit across my mind, intermingling with images of St. Paul's Cathedral, Chinatown, the Princess Theater and all of the very Melbourne sights I took in yesterday. It's been less than three weeks here, and I know that I'm speeding through this journey by asking these questions. But isn't my ultimate goal on this journey to find out where it is I belong and who I am and where I fit into this whole grand scheme? What if I've found it?