Special

My new job starts in half an hour. It's my first real day, yet I'm finding it so hard to drag myself out of this apartment and go. It's not a horrible job, I can do it fine, yet I just don't want to go. I'm finding more and more often that I just don't know what I want anymore - if I ever did. I wanted to be happy and be special. Growing up so many people told me how special I was, but I never felt I deserved it. What did I really have to show for it? Every man I've ever loved has left me... that doesn't make me feel special. It makes me question who I am. Makes me wonder if there is anything wrong with me. I'm not happy... that's something wrong. And I don't want to go to work, a job that I'm lucky to have. Why? Because I might screw up? Because I might feel overwhelmed? Because I might not be perfect? Hiding is so much easier. Pushing people away is so much easier then one day having them leave and the facing the realization that they really didn't think you were all that special.