Moving forward

What an amazing last few days. Today I made my final decision on Australia, and passed the point of no return - and I really feel great about it! Now, to explain how I finally was able to take the plunge, I have to go back a few days.

Late last week I was checking my emails and skulking around on Facebook, pretty much feeling sorry for myself, when I noticed a message from Heather. I didn't even take the time to fully read it before I was bounding into the living room full of excitement about going over again. That night was another bad night. I felt like I had truly screwed up so much in my life, and that I was incapable of making any good choices, but then, again, in the morning I went back to that message. This time I really read it, and have now probably read it at least five times, because there was support and understanding that ignited my desire to try and live out my dreams.

It wasn't like it all fell into place that instant. I still spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and unsure about whether I was making the right choice. On Monday I left with my Mum to go to the CNE; an event I had never been to and had always wanted to see. After two hours in an unairconditioned car, engrossing myself in a mystery novel so that I wouldn't have time to think, we made it to my uncle's place near Toronto.

I have to admit that I wasn't sure how I would be at the Ex. Would I be able to enjoy myself? Would I have fun? Would I be able to keep my frustration levels (which seem to skyrocket over the smallest things) in check? Turns out the answer was yes, and not only that, but for the first time in months now I really felt like myself again and that everything was going to be okay. It was only fleeting, but it was there and it gave me hope again. Freezing my ass off in a darkened ice rink I was mesmerized as skaters (including Olympian Vaughn Chipeur) danced to rock music. All I could think was "I can be happy again, I can get through all of this and be better." It felt great!

So slowly but surely my confidence levels are creeping back up, and a smile is staying on my face a lot more often than the tears that once moistened my cheeks. And because of all that, a bunch of little moments, today I made my choice to just go for it and not look back. My flight to LA is booked and my car is sold! So watch out Australia, because September 21st I will be there, and I plan to really enjoy myself!