I don't know why I allow myself to go backwards, when I'm trying so hard to be happy again. One hour in my life seems to change everything, and I'm lost in a mess of tears again. As I'm writing this I'm listening to "When I'm Alone" by Nevertheless. I don't know if I can find comfort in the fact that so many people have felt, and do feel, the way I do that songs are written about it. Up until today I don't think I ever really gave up hoping that love could be enough. I wasn't able to accept that even though my love still burns as strong as when I first felt it, that his is completely gone. So now I'm left alone, with no hope and no love and a broken heart.
I want to enjoy myself in Australia. I want to figure out who I am when I'm alone. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm so lost and don't know what to do anymore. The person who I really want to be there while I grow and learn and rediscover my inner strength has deserted me... left me without so much as a caring word or a tear. How can I believe in true love? How can I believe what someone says when it's so changeable? I'm relying on so many people, and although I know that some will never let me fall, I have had so many contrary experiences that I don't know if I can ever trust in love again.
So here I sit, tears trailing down my cheeks and in a pool of confusion, when all I want is love.
I just remember the part from Persuasion about women loving longest when all hope is lost or something like that. Men can move on faster than women, must be the emotional thing. That is from my experiences, and those of others I know from what I've seen. Might not be that way for all men, but mostly in general and to stereotype, that's the way it seems.
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