Friends

After a week of insane highs and lows I feel as if I have finally found a few moments just to focus my mind enough to figure out what the hell is going on. I started the week with the realization that I wanted to go out on a limb and live for myself for a little while. I have now ended it but finding myself relying on some amazing friends and family. That too has made me take a moment to analyze. I have never enjoyed relying on others, or needing someone, yet I seem to do it quite often. It has always made me wonder why it is that my friends stick by me when I’ve put them through so much. To this day I am still shocked that when I ask for help I get it. I feel like such a burden to even ask, and the fact that I have so many great friends that are willing to give me a hand up always takes my breath away.

I will never be that friend that everyone else turns to. I wont be the reliable one, or the safe one. For a long time I haven’t been okay with that because I have felt that I’m letting everyone that stands by me down. But now I know that I’m not letting them down. I am the loyal friend that will always be there in a second. I would never use my friends, or abuse that friendship that you guys have so willingly given me. I make your life challenging, and if I am honest with myself I know that will never change. My life has never been simple and never will be, and I think I might be okay with that. And I think my friends are okay with that too. I would never hold it against any of you if you just had enough with me. I know that it can be wearing having to deal with all of my drama, but I’m just coming to the understanding that as much as you go through with me, you guys do it because you care and know that I care.

I will always be that friend that everyone knows is making mistakes and does it anyway. And I will probably also always be that friend that has to get taken care of and bailed out. I will always give everything I have without a thought to those friends that have given so much to me.

I’m sorry that I put you guys through so much, especially when you know I’m doing something wrong and try to tell me. Of course you have all figured out by now that I really hate being told what to do, and will continue to make mistakes until I figure it out myself no matter how many times you told me. I don’t do it to frustrate you, and I truly appreciate how much you guys care, but I’ve always felt the need to find my own way through things. Thank you for loving me still despite my stubbornness.

I wish I could say at the end of this that I wont fill your lives with drama and challenges, but we all know that I’m going to keep living my own crazy life. This is just a really big thank you for putting up with me, understanding me (as much as is possible) and for caring about me when I make it difficult. I hope you all know that I would be there for you in a second and would give everything for you guys. I owe you more than I will ever be able to repay.

Six Months In

How many times have I changed my mind about what I want over the past six months? I have quite honestly lost count, and still I feel as unsure about what my future holds. If this trip has done anything for me it has forced me to stop trying to make plans and just live. Now I have to find a way to reconcile the mature, independent and responsible side of myself with this new fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants self.

Ever since I was a very little girl I lived my life for the future. Everything I did and felt was based on the future successes that I was bound to have. I'm only just starting to realize that I'm not sure what success in my life really means to me. There are countless people that have known me for years, or even for just a moment that believe that they know the key to my success, and what will make me happy. They might be right, but I still have no idea.

Is it traveling the world, and seeing different cultures and countries that entices me the most? Is it wealth? Getting published and working my way up in a company? Having a career, or just being a mum? I have no clue, and that's what I intend to find out before I let anymore of my life just float past.

I'm starting to understand a part of myself that I never let show before. It's the spontaneous side that just wants to truly experience life and not worry about living up to anyone's standard of what I should be doing. The problem is that this is all very new to me, and the stress associated with letting go of a strict plan for life seems to have completely unhinged me. It's leaving me questioning whether this new road is worth taking, yet the other one, with the structure and expectations, seems so boring to me now. I can't see it leading to happiness.

I don't know if I'll be happy on this new road, or if it will just lead me to destruction and financial ruin, but I think that it's time I committed to taking it. Too long I've been just dipping a toe in and then running back to the structured safety I know when it gets hard. I want to truly live and experience everything that I can from my life. I want to give everything I have, and know that no matter what happens I gave everything to everything experience and didn't hold back.

Nothing in my life is going to look anything like what everyone has always imagined for me, but I think that's what I want. I want it to be my life, not a fantasy or dream or expectation, but just me seeing what happens. Looking back, my life has always wandered on a bit of a reckless path. I've never strayed too far from everything that was set, but that was done out of fear of disappointing those who had always supported me and counted on me. I'm ready to completely strike out on my own, and make my own path. I'm not forgetting those who have always stood by me, and I'm not forsaking everything that they have always done for me, but I need to find myself and for that I need to stop worrying about failing to meet expectations. I know enough now to know that those who still stand by and support and love me will do so no matter what. They want me to be happy and successful, but they will always love me no matter what form that success ends up taking.

I have always been independent to an extent, but yet I have never enjoyed being completely alone. I want to share experiences with people, but the path I take through life has always made it difficult for anyone to follow for too long. It makes me truly appreciate those that stand at a distance, watching and supporting and always there when I need to turn to someone for help. Unfortunately it looks like I'm asking you to continue to wait for me, and watch me make more mistakes.

I've never let myself live an easy life, even though I know it could have been. I had every opportunity placed before me, and yet there's something more. I've always been searching for something, and I've been too afraid to really let myself go and find it. I'm not losing my mind, even though with the way I am rambling I'm sure most must think I have by now. More than anything I'm reaffirming to myself that this time I'm living for me, and most wont like it and wouldn't choose it for me or for themselves, but I'm choosing it and it's something that I have to do. There is one person who I think might be just as crazy as I am and be willing to actually travel along this winding trail with me. You know who you are. If you're not I will understand and it wont change how I feel. I love all of you, and I hope that this hasn't scared any of you too much.

Emotions

It's moments when I'm angry and upset that I realize how emotional I really can be. It's also those moments when I'm happiest that I notice how much some people in my life can take me for granted. I'm more full of emotion than most people realize, or can ever imagine. It's those people that really love and care for me that understand how full of love I am, and how at some moments that emotion overwhelms me and causes me to say and act in a way that I often regret.

I've pushed countless people away from me, and yet my love for them and even those that have hurt me has never abated. I love every single person that has come into my life to some extent, and that is why when I end up hurt I never blame them. I cannot blame someone that I love, and for me that is everyone.

Hard thing is, is that it doesn't stop me from feeling pain and sadness. From analyzing every single moment and word that we shared.

The little things

It seems that so often we let the little things in life cloud our vision and keep us from seeing the big picture. Yet, I realized today, as I sat enjoying a glass of wine with friends, that it works both ways. How often have I focused on the destination, on the big picture and the big issues, and, therefore, not been able to see what was right in front of me? The number of sights I see and places that I visit while traveling around this marvelous country pale when held next to the experience of sharing dinner with close friends.

It is not the scenic beauty of the beaches around Adelaide that I am going to remember most of my recent trip; although there is no doubting there lasting imprint in my mind. It was those shared laughs with my friends that will be most cherished. The birthday dinner in a local restaurant, and a pint at sunset at the local pub are just such memories that will always be foremost in my mind.

I have spent so much time trying to figure out what it is that I truly want, and who I want to become, that I fear I had almost forgotten to appreciate life's little subtleties. Today two of my best friends opened my eyes to the joys of a comfortable, and quiet, night in.

I will always remember those grand moments I've had the fortune to experience, and images will forever be imprinted in my mind. But, it is those intimate moments of laughter and sorrow with friends that will forever be inscribed on my heart and soul.

Dreams

I’m living a dream. It’s a dream that I have harboured since Grade 4 when I first learned of Australia. As we looked at pictures of duck-billed platypus’ and kangaroos in our school room, I knew that one day I wanted to visit this strange country that was so far away.

Now I’m here, and something just doesn’t seem right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely loving it, and it truly is a place that I will always cherish. But there’s just something. It took me a long time to figure out what it was that was nagging at me, but then I received an email from back home. From one of my dearest and closest friends, and it hit me. I’m not sharing my dream with anyone.
Sure I’m writing about it, and my friends and family get to view everything second hand through my pictures, but there’s no one here sharing my dream with me. And that truly makes the difference.

I’ve spent so many years searching for my dreams and trying to follow every single one. And I have had some amazing adventures, made wonderful friends, and have lasting memories from every experience. But the thing that I’ve been missing is my friends and family. Or maybe it’s just my family, because those friends back home really are part of my family.

So now I’ve realized that I want to be with them. I want to be near them when they go chasing their dreams. I want to experience all of the ups and downs of life with them. I’m not forgetting about all the dreams that I still cherish, and I’m not giving up anything. I’m merely realizing that being with my family is much more important and fulfilling than anything I could experience as I flit about trying to find what I want.
Don’t get me wrong I’m still going to be doing a fair bit of flitting around the world, but now I know where my home really is, and where I want to come back to.

Hello 2011

It’s New Year’s Day. At least it is in Australia. I believe that they are just about to ring in 2011 back in North America. Strange how the time difference isn’t too noticeable until an event where everyone celebrates at a specific time.

So here I am on the other side of the world at the start of 2011. The fireworks were spectacular, the company was great, but now it comes time for those new year’s resolutions. What is it that I most want?

Sure I’ve got all the traditional resolutions. Eat healthier, get active, lose weight, yadda yadda. But I think that considering how special the start of this year is, I need a special resolution. Maybe that can be my resolution. To figure out what it is I really want this year.

An Aussie Christmas

Some may think that being a Canadian it would seem very strange for me to have a non-white Christmas. To be honest I’ve had a lot more warm, green Christmases than white ones in my lifetime. Yet, despite the similarity in weather, it just doesn’t feel like Christmas this year.

There are Christmas carols in all the stores, although they do refuse to play them in my restaurant. There is a big Christmas tree in the city, with banners, lights and festive displays proclaiming the festive season. I’m even working with Santa, and yet the Christmas spirit seems a long way off.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m not enjoying myself, but I’m feeling a little bit homesick for family and friends, eggnog and turkey, and presents under the Christmas tree.

There are some wonderful Christmasy experiences, and I’m cashing in on every one. The display at Crown Casino is really beautiful, and as I watched I felt just like a little kid again. Little kids faces lighting up as they walk through the curtain and see Old Saint Nick waiting to listen to their Christmas lists, makes me remember Christmas’ past.

And then suddenly it was Christmas Eve. It tends to sneak up on you when you’re working over 60 hours a week. Christmas tunes finally played through the speakers at work, and everyone enjoyed the giddiness of the holiday.
Christmas morning I opened my emails, to discover my Christmas gift. Then after getting as close to them as possible, thanks to the wonders of Skype, I felt a little less alone. A picnic in the park with some new friends made for lazy Christmas Day, that might not have been perfect, but will still be remembered with fond memories.