Friends

After a week of insane highs and lows I feel as if I have finally found a few moments just to focus my mind enough to figure out what the hell is going on. I started the week with the realization that I wanted to go out on a limb and live for myself for a little while. I have now ended it but finding myself relying on some amazing friends and family. That too has made me take a moment to analyze. I have never enjoyed relying on others, or needing someone, yet I seem to do it quite often. It has always made me wonder why it is that my friends stick by me when I’ve put them through so much. To this day I am still shocked that when I ask for help I get it. I feel like such a burden to even ask, and the fact that I have so many great friends that are willing to give me a hand up always takes my breath away.

I will never be that friend that everyone else turns to. I wont be the reliable one, or the safe one. For a long time I haven’t been okay with that because I have felt that I’m letting everyone that stands by me down. But now I know that I’m not letting them down. I am the loyal friend that will always be there in a second. I would never use my friends, or abuse that friendship that you guys have so willingly given me. I make your life challenging, and if I am honest with myself I know that will never change. My life has never been simple and never will be, and I think I might be okay with that. And I think my friends are okay with that too. I would never hold it against any of you if you just had enough with me. I know that it can be wearing having to deal with all of my drama, but I’m just coming to the understanding that as much as you go through with me, you guys do it because you care and know that I care.

I will always be that friend that everyone knows is making mistakes and does it anyway. And I will probably also always be that friend that has to get taken care of and bailed out. I will always give everything I have without a thought to those friends that have given so much to me.

I’m sorry that I put you guys through so much, especially when you know I’m doing something wrong and try to tell me. Of course you have all figured out by now that I really hate being told what to do, and will continue to make mistakes until I figure it out myself no matter how many times you told me. I don’t do it to frustrate you, and I truly appreciate how much you guys care, but I’ve always felt the need to find my own way through things. Thank you for loving me still despite my stubbornness.

I wish I could say at the end of this that I wont fill your lives with drama and challenges, but we all know that I’m going to keep living my own crazy life. This is just a really big thank you for putting up with me, understanding me (as much as is possible) and for caring about me when I make it difficult. I hope you all know that I would be there for you in a second and would give everything for you guys. I owe you more than I will ever be able to repay.