How many times have I changed my mind about what I want over the past six months? I have quite honestly lost count, and still I feel as unsure about what my future holds. If this trip has done anything for me it has forced me to stop trying to make plans and just live. Now I have to find a way to reconcile the mature, independent and responsible side of myself with this new fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants self.
Ever since I was a very little girl I lived my life for the future. Everything I did and felt was based on the future successes that I was bound to have. I'm only just starting to realize that I'm not sure what success in my life really means to me. There are countless people that have known me for years, or even for just a moment that believe that they know the key to my success, and what will make me happy. They might be right, but I still have no idea.
Is it traveling the world, and seeing different cultures and countries that entices me the most? Is it wealth? Getting published and working my way up in a company? Having a career, or just being a mum? I have no clue, and that's what I intend to find out before I let anymore of my life just float past.
I'm starting to understand a part of myself that I never let show before. It's the spontaneous side that just wants to truly experience life and not worry about living up to anyone's standard of what I should be doing. The problem is that this is all very new to me, and the stress associated with letting go of a strict plan for life seems to have completely unhinged me. It's leaving me questioning whether this new road is worth taking, yet the other one, with the structure and expectations, seems so boring to me now. I can't see it leading to happiness.
I don't know if I'll be happy on this new road, or if it will just lead me to destruction and financial ruin, but I think that it's time I committed to taking it. Too long I've been just dipping a toe in and then running back to the structured safety I know when it gets hard. I want to truly live and experience everything that I can from my life. I want to give everything I have, and know that no matter what happens I gave everything to everything experience and didn't hold back.
Nothing in my life is going to look anything like what everyone has always imagined for me, but I think that's what I want. I want it to be my life, not a fantasy or dream or expectation, but just me seeing what happens. Looking back, my life has always wandered on a bit of a reckless path. I've never strayed too far from everything that was set, but that was done out of fear of disappointing those who had always supported me and counted on me. I'm ready to completely strike out on my own, and make my own path. I'm not forgetting those who have always stood by me, and I'm not forsaking everything that they have always done for me, but I need to find myself and for that I need to stop worrying about failing to meet expectations. I know enough now to know that those who still stand by and support and love me will do so no matter what. They want me to be happy and successful, but they will always love me no matter what form that success ends up taking.
I have always been independent to an extent, but yet I have never enjoyed being completely alone. I want to share experiences with people, but the path I take through life has always made it difficult for anyone to follow for too long. It makes me truly appreciate those that stand at a distance, watching and supporting and always there when I need to turn to someone for help. Unfortunately it looks like I'm asking you to continue to wait for me, and watch me make more mistakes.
I've never let myself live an easy life, even though I know it could have been. I had every opportunity placed before me, and yet there's something more. I've always been searching for something, and I've been too afraid to really let myself go and find it. I'm not losing my mind, even though with the way I am rambling I'm sure most must think I have by now. More than anything I'm reaffirming to myself that this time I'm living for me, and most wont like it and wouldn't choose it for me or for themselves, but I'm choosing it and it's something that I have to do. There is one person who I think might be just as crazy as I am and be willing to actually travel along this winding trail with me. You know who you are. If you're not I will understand and it wont change how I feel. I love all of you, and I hope that this hasn't scared any of you too much.
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