Comfort

I started a wonderful day off today by waking up with the sun streaming through my window, and not to an alarm clock. After a brekky of cheerios (which really don't taste the same at all) I jumped on a tram to St. Kilda beach. It's not at all far from the city, and is a funky little beach area that's in a state of revival after being taken over by prostitutes and heroin addicts. Don't worry, it's quite tame and enjoyable to visit during the daylight hours!

With my trusty map (which still didn't keep me from getting quite lost) I wandered around shops and cafes until I made my way to Port Phillip Bay and my first view of the bay since arriving in Melbourne. It was so good to have the salty wind blowing in my hair, sand between my toes and the sun warming my shoulders. The smell of dead fish somewhat took away from the experience, but you can't have it all.

After walking for what seemed miles along the beach, my stomach started to complain that it was hungry, so I decided to venture up some of the roads and find a little cafe. That's when I became good and lost, although I didn't really mind too much. I spent so much time wandering among tiny residential streets marveling at the exquisite architecture and beautiful gardens that greeted me. Eventually I spotted civilization (in the form of cafes) in the distance, and quickly located a take away sushi restaurant. Unbothered by seagulls I enjoyed my cheap and delicious sushi rolls, and then stopped at an European bakery to get a baclava, which I savoured on a bench in the botanical gardens.

As I rode on the tram back into the city, I was amazed at all of the uniquely Australian things that I have so quickly become accustomed to. I am now a confident tram rider, and the electric flash from the overhead lines no longer causes me alarm. As I pass yutes along the roadways, their odd shape doesn't even bring me to turn my head. I have a little less fear of getting hit by a car, as I've learned to always look the proper way before crossing the street, and I no longer think that a child is driving when a car passes by. Roundabouts are easy to navigate, and I've learned the proper way to walk on wet cobblestones so as not to twist my ankle.

There is still so much that I am awed by, including my walk to work. Crossing over the Yarra with the glittering lights of the city skyline is never a tiring sight. There are an endless number of flora and fauna that is completely new to me, and leads to many photographs.

It's so comforting to feel this familiarty and level of contentment, yet I love that so much still creates excitement. There are still so many new experiences I have to discover, and now I'm so happy with where I am, I can truly enjoy them.

Happier thoughts

After reading all of my previous posts, I'm starting to see a somewhat disturbing and distressing theme. Although there are moments of happiness and humour, the entire thing seems to be punctuated by an underlying sense of depression. Well, here's a change to all of that boring sadness, because I am starting to have the adventures and the enjoyable moments that I came down under to experience.
Now it seems that Australia does not participate in the wonderful North American tradition of Thanksgiving, but us canucks weren't perturbed and created our own version complete with stuffing, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie - chicken gladly took the place of turkey. It was everything Thanksgiving should be - good food, good wine and wonderful company with lots of fun conversation. A wonderful evening to enjoy the memory of for years to come.

I am now spending most of my evenings working as a hostess for a very popular restaurant on Southbank - an amazing little area on the banks of the Yarra River in the city. Although I have had times where I felt like walking out, didn't want to go to work and just wanted to quit, I am finally feeling like I fit in a bit and those distressed feelings are disappearing. I am making friends, and actually learning what I'm doing, which makes life much easier.

I have had a very exciting interview with a magazine in Sydney to work for them as a journalist. As much as I love the idea of getting back into my chosen field, I really love it in Melbourne, where I have friends and have developed a comfort zone. I will hear about the magazine's decision later this week, but it is just uplifting to know that within a month of arriving here I already have these opportunities presenting themselves.

This week I hope to fill my days with lots of fun with friends and more exciting new adventures.

The tough stuff

It seems I've finally come to the next stage of my trip down under. All the questions and self reflection have taken over, and seem to be all that I can think of. I'm not going to lie and say that I welcome it, because this is one of the toughest things that I've pushed myself to do. Looking into the choices that I've made, the pain I've been through and how I can live better and happier in the future.

Special

My new job starts in half an hour. It's my first real day, yet I'm finding it so hard to drag myself out of this apartment and go. It's not a horrible job, I can do it fine, yet I just don't want to go. I'm finding more and more often that I just don't know what I want anymore - if I ever did. I wanted to be happy and be special. Growing up so many people told me how special I was, but I never felt I deserved it. What did I really have to show for it? Every man I've ever loved has left me... that doesn't make me feel special. It makes me question who I am. Makes me wonder if there is anything wrong with me. I'm not happy... that's something wrong. And I don't want to go to work, a job that I'm lucky to have. Why? Because I might screw up? Because I might feel overwhelmed? Because I might not be perfect? Hiding is so much easier. Pushing people away is so much easier then one day having them leave and the facing the realization that they really didn't think you were all that special.

As the city thrives

Here I sit in the dark in my little studio apartment on a beautiful Friday night in Melbourne. Dark due to the fact that I am a penniless traveler who is too cheap to use more electricity than I feel I need. The streetlight (one of what seems to be only a few in this city) is doing a wonderful job of streaming through the window - mood lighting perhaps?
Now why is it that I am sitting in here, and not out partying? It could be because spending any money at this point seems foolish until I get my first paycheck from my job that starts on Monday. It could also be due to this deep fear I have when I let myself think of being alone. Here. On the other side of the world.

Oh, I've been alone in places many times before, but it always just seemed like a visit, and try as hard as I can, being here doesn't seem temporary like that. I have tried to wrap my head around the fact that I will probably only be here for a year - possibly less if my mini-meltdowns continue. Yet, I still find this place so permanent, find myself becoming rooted and comfortable. Therefore, going out on my own, even to a backpackers bar where I'm sure to make lots of friends, just doesn't seem right when I already feel like this is my home.

Yesterday I spent the day touring around the city in an attempt to see as much as I could and be the ultimate tourist. Yet even with camera in hand, and map safely tucked in my purse, I still felt something familiar about these places I was only laying eyes on for the first time.

So now I'm torn. If I give in to this feeling of being at home, will it only end in heartbreak when a year from now my visa ends and I'm forced to leave? Will I give myself the time and opportunity to be a tourist and see all of the touristy sights that have inspired me about Australia? Yet, if I pull away from it. If I think about all of this as temporary, will I be happy here, or always wondering and pulling away from that comfortable feeling?

These are the thoughts that continually flit across my mind, intermingling with images of St. Paul's Cathedral, Chinatown, the Princess Theater and all of the very Melbourne sights I took in yesterday. It's been less than three weeks here, and I know that I'm speeding through this journey by asking these questions. But isn't my ultimate goal on this journey to find out where it is I belong and who I am and where I fit into this whole grand scheme? What if I've found it?

So many thoughts

It seems every time that I sit down and think about writing about all of the experiences that I'm having, I come to a complete road block. Where do I start when everyday is so incredibly full of ups and downs? So I just keep putting it off, and now I feel that if I don't start recording all of these details they will quickly disappear from my very full mind.

I think that the biggest thing that has struck me since being in Australia, is how incredibly helpful everyone has been. So many have completely gone out of their way (such as the woman who drove me across town because I was lost) to help me, and if they can't they have been so apologetic. It truly makes me feel a little less lost to know that I can talk to anyone anywhere and find help.

As for all of my experiences down here (not counting the crazy personal issues I've been dealing with) I've had a lot of really enjoyable ones. Getting to experience two AFL Grand Finals was a definite highlight. Watching the first match come to a draw, and then getting to see Collingwood (my team!) win the next week brought out a sporty side of me that has long been dormant.

I've been able to see so much of the area surrounding Melbourne... the outer suburbs, which really take my breath away and remind me why it is I came here and have unearthed a deep love for this country. The Yarra Valley is absolutely stunning, even if it is only early spring. A drive through also led me to see my first kangaroo and wallaby (although both were sadly upside down on the side of the road). It was still very exciting, and I made my tour guide drive past the poor kangaroo a couple of times just so I could see that they were really real! Luckily I have yet to experience any of those dreaded poisonous creatures that Australia is so known for.

In between times searching for an apartment and a job (both of which I thankfully have only two weeks after arriving here!) I have taken the time to walk around Melbourne and get to know the trams and the trains and all of the craziness and beauty that is the city. Southbank really is a spectacular place... so calm and relaxing during the day, and erupts with a vibrant nightlife once the sun goes down.

There is so much that I want to see and experience here... and of course I have only been traveling for two weeks now, so it will all come with time. I still have yet to visit the beach (although that is in a great part due to the fact that it has only been the past weekend that temperatures got above 20).

Hopefully my next post will not be so long in the making, and I'll be able to share a bunch of new, very Australian experiences.