Tears

I don't know why I allow myself to go backwards, when I'm trying so hard to be happy again. One hour in my life seems to change everything, and I'm lost in a mess of tears again. As I'm writing this I'm listening to "When I'm Alone" by Nevertheless. I don't know if I can find comfort in the fact that so many people have felt, and do feel, the way I do that songs are written about it. Up until today I don't think I ever really gave up hoping that love could be enough. I wasn't able to accept that even though my love still burns as strong as when I first felt it, that his is completely gone. So now I'm left alone, with no hope and no love and a broken heart.

I want to enjoy myself in Australia. I want to figure out who I am when I'm alone. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm so lost and don't know what to do anymore. The person who I really want to be there while I grow and learn and rediscover my inner strength has deserted me... left me without so much as a caring word or a tear. How can I believe in true love? How can I believe what someone says when it's so changeable? I'm relying on so many people, and although I know that some will never let me fall, I have had so many contrary experiences that I don't know if I can ever trust in love again.

So here I sit, tears trailing down my cheeks and in a pool of confusion, when all I want is love.

So many unknowns...

I've spent the last few days trying to figure out exactly what I want to do when I'm in Australia. I have so many ideas, and so many dreams, but it all seems to have been turned upside down in the last month. It has definitely been a challenge to try and get back to the excitement I had a year ago, and the independence I felt.

It seems somewhat ironic that the "Eat, Pray, Love" movie just came out in theatres. I feel like I'm taking the same type of journey. After losing myself in love, and then losing that love, I need to find the things that I care about again, and that make me happy. Who knows if I'll be able to find myself again in Australia, but I'm sure I can learn to be happy and independent again.

Less than a month!

Well there's less than a month left until I'm on a plane for 15 hours! I can't believe how much there is to do before going. Selling my car, insurance issues, packing, finding a job, packing... It's all a bit overwhelming really; however, I'm keeping from losing my mind with the help of friends and family and am so excited to see this amazing country!